


What We Could Be

by captainkippen



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Eddie Kaspbrak is a disaster gay, First Love, Getting Together, M/M, Summer Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-31 11:25:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18590287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainkippen/pseuds/captainkippen
Summary: It was in the summer of 1995 that Eddie Kaspbrak finally realised he was in love with his best friend, and it hit him like a ton of bricks.





	What We Could Be

Eddie Kaspbrak’s first crush came in middle school. It was nothing like he expected… nothing like he’d expected  _ at all _ . When people spoke of love and romance he had always thought of it as something for grown up. Love was meeting a pretty girl, getting down on one knee, marrying and then raising kids together. At least, that was what happened on the soppy television shows his mother watched. His first crush, however, was not on a girl. It was on his best (and only) friend, Big Bill Denbrough. 

At first, Eddie did not realise that what he felt for Bill was something different than friendship. He didn’t feel the need to sweep Bill off his feet or buy him flowers, what twelve-year-old had the money to afford bouquets of roses anyway? No. He only felt an odd sort of warmth come over him when he looked at Bill, a tingling sensation that started in his chest and fluttered down to his toes like butterflies. Bill could make him laugh in a way that nobody else could. He was fearless and strong, compassionate, and he made Eddie feel special. To be honest, Bill was the kind of boy who made everyone he spoke to feel special - a leader right down to his bones. He could have any friends he wanted in the whole world even if he did struggle to speak because of his stutter sometimes, that much Eddie was certain of, yet he still chose to hang around with the short asthmatic kid he’d met in the park when they were five. This was a mystery to Eddie, who was not blind to the fact he wasn’t exactly what the other children would describe as ‘cool’.

He was on the smaller side of things size-wise. His mother liked to call him ‘delicate’, while everybody else called him 'scrawny’. When he went outside he would be laden down with an aspirator and a fanny pack of medical supplies, and God help him if he came back with so much as a scratch on him or his mother would haul him down to the emergency room in a second. This had had the rather depressing effect over the years of making Eddie an easy target for bullies.

At school, older boys would laugh and call Eddie names. They’d shove at him and sneer insults his way, often asking Bill if it got annoying having his little boyfriend following him around like a lovesick puppy all the time. Bill never laughed along with them, he was good like that. He never defended himself either - never fired back with “I’m not gay!” or put deliberate space between himself and Eddie even though they both knew he’d have an easier time of it if he did - something which Eddie was eternally grateful for. Instead, he’d flip those boys the bird then turn to Eddie and joke “Don’t worry, I know you could do much better than me.”

Eddie would smile and roll his eyes in turn, pushing down on the urge to blurt out how wrong he thought Bill was on that matter. To him, Bill Denbrough was perfect. There was nobody else in the world who made him so happy and it hurt his heart to think about. The sad fact was that Eddie had worked out the reason he only thought of men and women getting married when people spoke of love was that everybody else thought it was improper for boys to love boys. Disgusting, even. 

He did not want to be disgusting, so he pushed down his feelings and willed them to go away. 

For several years onwards it was just the two of them. On weekends, Eddie would show Bill how to fix his bike the way he wanted all the while trying not to get oil on his pants so his mother wouldn’t yell at him and, in return, Bill would tell him stories as they worked. Bill’s stories were wonderful - they were filled with adventure and friendship, weaving tales of dashing knights and beautiful maidens through Eddie’s imagination. Listening to them made his heart swell. Once on his birthday, Bill had gifted him a book of those same stories all neatly written down and bound together. When he opened it Eddie could’ve sworn his chest would burst open from joy - surely that feeling could not be contained. As much as he tried to tell himself any friend would feel the same way at such a nice gesture, he knew it was hopeless. He wondered if he would ever stop loving Bill Denbrough.

The answer was yes  _ and _ no because love changes. It switches fluidly between romantic and platonic definitions as it pleases with no concern for the heart to which it is attached. In time, Eddie would grow to love Big Bill Denbrough as a brother rather than a crush, while the romance in his heart fell to another. 

Eddie Kaspbrak's second crush came much later than his first and it stayed much longer too.

Richie Tozier was nothing like Big Bill and he was even less like Eddie. At fourteen he was a loud brash boy who wore pair of thick coke-bottle glasses which had the odd effect of making his eyes look almost comically wide. He and Bill met in sixth grade, bonding over a class project, and it was Bill who introduced him to Eddie, much to Eddie’s own dismay. In class, Richie would often mouth off to teachers in a fashion that suggested he couldn’t really help himself.  _ ‘Trashmouth’ _ Bill would laughingly call him, and Richie would reply in some terrible put-on voice cracking jokes about Bill’s mother. This irked Eddie, but what irked him even more was the way that Richie would call him cute and laugh at his own jokes all the while telling him to lighten up when Eddie scowled. Sometimes he would pinch his cheeks or shorten his name to Eds,  and even though Eddie did not believe in violence this often ended with him threatening to punch Richie.

So yes, Richie had the most annoying habit of grinding Eddie’s gears like it was his full-time job. Consequently, Eddie spent several long weeks complaining to Bill about it, asking why they had to hang out with such a jerk, to which Bill would reply by saying Richie was cool when you got to know him. Eddie had his doubts. He did not want to get to know him.

Until…

_ “Hey, runt! You can’t run from us!” _

_ It’s a good thing Eddie is so fast because it’s the only reason he’s managing to escape the wrath of Henry Bowers and his gang of miscreants right now. They were older boys filled to the brim with spite and they had an unpleasant reputation for drawing blood. They were fast but he was faster. Eddie’s legs carry him forward without him even thinking about it. All his focus is pointed towards getting away and surviving the afternoon. _

_ It’s a hot summer day, so hot that hazy little heat waves are emanating from the surface of the sidewalks. When Eddie had left the house this morning he’d intended to head down to the Barrens, he and Bill’s preferred place to play, thinking maybe the two of them (and probably Bill’s kid brother George too) could play swords with some of the sticks they’d found last time. This was not to be the case though, as he learned when he knocked at the Denbrough’s door. Bill and George had gone with their father to buy tools from the hardware store. Eddie didn’t feel like waiting around for them to get back - Mrs Denbrough had offered a glass of milk but she always looked at him with such pity for reasons he didn’t really understand and it made him uncomfortable. So he had politely declined and wandered off into town in search of something to do. _

_ Unfortunately for him, Bowers and his gang had been looking for something to do too. As soon as they spotted him it became apparent that knocking him around would be amusement enough. Eddie had had enough sense to start sprinting - he did not feel like having his face grated into the sidewalk today. Brief thoughts of his aspirator flit through his my as his chest tightens. Soon he’ll be able to breathe, he thinks. He can lose them. He can lose them if he just keeps running. He’s so close.  _

_ Luck is not something that is often on the side of Eddie Kaspbrak, and that is probably why his chances of getting out of Bowers’ reach dwindle so quickly. _

_ He might have escaped, darting around the corner and collapsing in a grateful wheezing mess behind a dumpster, were it not for somebody else stepping out of the corner shop door as he flies toward it. The resulting collision is an epic mess of limbs and surprised shouts. When Eddie looks up he finds Richie Tozier staring back at him. _

_ “Where’s the fire, Eds?” He asks, with a grin, and then he spots Bowers coming towards them. His eyes widen and no sooner has Eddie blinked than he is being tugged up by the arm and running once again. They fly through the streets together, Richie’s mad cackle and Bowers’ outraged shouts decorating the air. Eddie’s chest gets even tighter. The gang is closing in on them.  _

_ It seems hopeless. Pain shoots up his ankle and he thinks  _ 'Oh God, another trip to the emergency room.’  _ His must have twisted it when he ran into Richie. The more often his foot hits the ground the more his ankle kills. He can feel his run turn to a limp, his breath coming out in gasps, and the euphoria of possible escaping is slipping through his fingers fast. They’re never going to get away. The gang is right behind them now, all cruel laughter and insults and mocking... _

_ But then- _

_ Richie kicks a trashcan backwards as they pass it, and he kicks it  _ hard _. Garbage litters the sidewalk making passerby exclaim in disgust. The can itself goes flying into right Bowers with a loud crash followed by a roar of pained rage but it’s enough of a distraction for them to finally get away. The clanging and the yelling are joined by adult voices asking  _ ‘Now what in the dickens is going on out here?!’ _ and when Eddie and Richie turn the corner they’re free. _

_ They head for Richie’s house, he explains his parents aren’t home, and when they get there Richie’s fingers are tender as they wrap Eddie’s ankle in ice. _

“Gotta be more careful out there, Guv'na! Or 'em damn rascals’ll getcha!”  _ He says with a cheerful smile as he pays Eddie’s knee. It’s what he calls his 'British Constable’ voice, which Eddie usually hates but this time it draws a sputtering laugh out of him. They made it. They actually made it, faces intact and all. _

It was in that moment that Eddie realised Richie’s teasing words were not deliberate attempts to get a rise out of him but rather his own special, and slightly irritating, brand of affection. That day running from Bowers was the first time he knew for sure that they had become real friends.

By eighth grade, Eddie and Richie were no longer allowed to sit next to one another in class. In fact, they were often put on opposite sides of the room. In all honesty, this was through no fault of Eddie’s. It was Richie who was unable to keep his mouth shut, and it was not Eddie’s fault that the boy had a certain talent for making laughter bubble up inside him exploding in an unwanted burst of giggles. Richie remained unable to keep his mouth shut whether he was next to Eddie or not, but at least when they were apart he had less incentive to crack jokes every five seconds.

They may have been able to separate them in a classroom, but the teachers at Derry Middle School had no place preventing laughter on the playground and so it became normal for Eddie to watch the clock in class counting down the minutes until one became three for lunchtime. He, Richie and Bill would throw themselves down under the large oak tree on the playing field and share torn off pieces of sandwiches while pouring over the latest issues of their favourite comic books.

Eddie’s mother did not like Richie. He was too loud for her ageing ears and he had a tendency to knock things over by accident while gesturing. The Kaspbrak house was filled with many a ‘delicate antique’, or at least what Mrs Kaspbrak liked to think of as antiques (though they were usually purchased from the home shopping channel) and several had met their doom as a result of Richie’s flailing limbs. Despite this, she was helpless to stop him from visiting because by that point Eddie and Richie had become EddieAndRichie, attached at the hip and seen everywhere together or not at all, and so she was forced to accept that desperately hiding her precious ‘china’ when she heard footsteps coming up the porch was a tedious forever part of their lives.

With Bill and Richie in his life, Eddie felt sure his world was complete. What more could he need? Two best friends who lit up the sky and kept him moving, isn’t that all anybody needed? This was what he continued to think for a while longer until they met the others.

Their group went on to expand from three to five and then on to a sweet whole seven when they hit high school. First to join them was Stan Uris, a neat bookish boy whom Bill had met through bird watching. He had a sneaky wit about him and enjoyed going on runs with Eddie in the mornings when Eddie could sneak out before his mother woke up. It was nice to have someone to talk to as he jogged. On group outings to the park, Stan began bringing along his friend Mike Hanlon, who up until recently had been home schooled. Eddie and Mike got along well trading book recommendations and talking mechanics. Much to Eddie’s great delight, Mike’s father owned a farm and would sometimes let the two of them tinker with the old machinery that had fallen out of use. Mike gave the best advice and saw more reason than the rest of his friends, often getting them out of tight spots. It took no time at all for Stan and Mike to slot themselves neatly into their lives.

Then along came Beverly Marsh and Ben Hanscom, two other regular victims of Bowers gang boredom. Beverly was feisty and unafraid - she and Richie got along like a house on fire. Eddie was never sure which he felt for her more: envy or admiration. Probably the second one. He hoped it was the second one. She was the kind of girl willing to kick a bully in the shin and sometimes she would ruffle Eddie’s hair as if he were a little brother of sorts. It made him feel protected, though he would never admit that out loud. 

Ben was a sweet chubby kid who had a knack for kind words and ended up spending many an afternoon in Bill’s garage with them building all sorts of strange structures out of hamster tunnels. He looked at Bev like she was the sun and he would paint the skies for her. Eddie wondered if he realised she looked at him the same way or he was too blinded by his own low self-esteem to realise. He also wondered if he would ever find anyone to look at himself like that.

Over time, this little group of misfits became his lifeline; the Loser’s Club they called themselves. They would hang out as an inseparable cluster after school and during breaks. Weekends were filled with hastily organised visits to the  _ Aladdin _ , the local movie theatre, and picnics down at the Barrens. They would start campfires and have Bill tell stories. Richie would butt in waving a cigarette and doing one of his terrible impressions so that Ben would laugh so hard he got a stitch. Everything felt right when they were all together. With them, Eddie knew he was loved. There was no doubt in his mind about this; his friends would be there through thick and thin and would always accept him exactly as he was.

That didn’t mean he wasn’t scared.

At some point over the years, though Eddie couldn’t pinpoint exactly when, they had knit together and become a family of sorts. He loved them wholly and completely, and he knew they loved him back in a similar fashion. It was a blinding sort of unquestionable love, which is probably why it took so long for Eddie to realise what he felt for Richie was different for what he felt for the others.

It was during the summer of 1995, before he left for college, that Eddie Kaspbrak finally realised he was in love with Richie Tozier... and it hit him like a ton of bricks.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> If you feel like hitting me up to talk you can find my It blog on tumblr @trashmouthkaspbrak


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